Finding a balance after experiencing sexual assault or abuse
Appreciating the good things in life can help you deal with the trauma of sexual assault. One woman shares her tips for mental and physical health.
Trigger warning – this article contains references to sexual violence.
If you're in danger or need immediate help, call 111.
If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, contact Safe to talk – Kōrero mai ka ora or visit the website.
Phone 0800 044 334
Safe to talk – Kōrero mai ka ora website
If you've experienced sexual abuse or assault, you can use our online search tool to find organisations that have therapists who can support you.
Sarah Strong's life changed in surprising ways in her late 40s. She started getting outside more, listening to music and books, walking a lot more.
It was her way of handling a difficult situation she chose to bring into the open. She revealed to police, family, friends - and strangers when she stepped onto a TEDx stage - that she had been raped at the age of 14.
Sarah's story: Breaking the silence on rape
How to talk to a person who has been sexually assaulted or abused
These days she straps on her cycling shoes, adjusts her helmet, and jumps on her bike.
Or she strides out for a walk, smiling as a fantail flutters past in the bush. Or she heads into the sea, refreshed by the chill water. It's her way of feeling connected.
"I'm finding the things that help me to escape, but still help me appreciate [life].
"The love of my family means more than anything. When you're with your child, when you're with your parents, and you know you're still here and they're happy that you're still here. Having that connection with my whānau, with my good friends - it just means the world to me."
Decide what works for you
So, what are her tips for finding balance after being affected by sexual assault or abuse?
Well, first up: only you can decide what action to take. "No-one else can do it for you," says Sarah.
She's also prepared for the good days and the bad days.
"My past is still my past, it's still there, I still think about that. So, to help me move forward, I make the most of what I have in my life."
She describes her personal transformation – from a caterpillar, into a cocoon, and through to spreading her wings as a butterfly – as part of becoming 'free'. Her counsellor has helped her develop techniques to manage situations.
Be happy
Her eyes have opened to the world around her since she chose freedom.
"There's so many things out there to be happy about," she enthuses and lists just a few.
Be happy if it's a nice day.
Be happy if you've seen a flower that has recently bloomed.
Be happy when the pohutukawa trees are out.
Be happy when the sea is looking tranquil and calm, or even if it's looking stormy.
Watch a fantail.
Look at flax, the different shades and colours.
"We're blessed with so many things. When you're in your past and in your dark places, you don't see that. You don't see the colour. You don't see the good things. So, I make that effort to make sure that I notice and appreciate those good things."
Her walks are her alone time, for thinking, but slowly that is changing.
"More and more I find myself feeling comfortable now sharing that with other people. I'm OK walking with other people, rather than being isolated and on my own. I'm happy to take people to places where I have found peace."
She listens to music. She's started getting through audiobooks at a rate of one a week now, whereas before she never read.
Her bad stuff, as she calls it, will always be there, but she has a goal: try to make the good stuff outweigh the bad stuff.
"Then hopefully, you can get to a stage when you feel whatever it is, whether it's freedom, whether it's peace… I don't think there's such a thing as acceptance. You just learn to live with who you are now."
